I knew that this year,the holiday which I grew up loving was going to be a hard one for me. Maybe that’s why I let them schedule the cataract surgery for when I did.
I found a Christmas card today from Jim, Zush and Kasia and broke out in tears for 15 minutes. Fortunately it was just me and Kasia in the house. Maybe this is why I am so anxious to get it all done, because in the back of my head, I am just trying to remove the holiday malaise and get back to life as we know it.
Jim went to a holiday party tonight which we normally would have gone to together, but I simply just don’t want to take a chance.I mean, antibiotics, steroids, and a group of 25 people who have been exposed to what germs, you don’t know. Yes, in the back of my head, it also gave me a chance not to go out and put on a fake smile and wish folks Merry Christmas.
Dear God, please just get me safely through Tuesday and I promise I’ll put a smile back on my face.
I went to my friend’s Christmas party and managed to keep a smile on my face.
I socialized with folks, heard stories and responded to them and questions. I tried to keep an interested look on my face. My heart was just not in it.
It kicks me in the butt, though, because December used to be my time, birthdays of Mom and me and later Greg, my nephew.Christmas, of course.When you live in a house full of holiday malaise it is rough to get the spirit,let alone keep it going. I got home tonight and heaved a large sigh, as I was happy it was done. Don’t get me wrong: it was a great party and the food and drinks were excellent.
I just need to get through the holidays.
I remember a happy time.Of late,it has not been.I paste a smile on my face for folks and wish them a Merry Christmas, but my heart is not in it.I pray all the time when I am walking the girls,and my mind is just filled the mundane and pressing thoughts of daily life.Perhaps if things were different, I’d feel differently. I respect and love the season: I really do.
Right now though, I am just living for January.