Going to give it the best effort a 51 year old can.

Who is going to benefit from my effort? Hopefully ,my health.

I lost 45 pounds 5 years ago, and things were going good.

Then Mom got sick, my knees started hurting, care-giving was wearing me away, and suffice it to say, although I didn’t gain all of it back, I do feel that I’d probably feel better . I belonged to the Trevose behavioral health system , whose premise is calorie counting, period. You start with a set amount, say 2000 calories, for a few weeks. As the new weight falls off, then you start to wean off, and say move down to 1900, or then 1800.

The mountains of Halloween candy are all given out, and baking is, right now on a hold. Still trying to keep Mom’s ship afloat and that’s taking a little out of me.Unfortunately, due to past cancers and antidepressants, I feel like I am taking Pez in the morning as I try to swoop needed meds into me. To me, that is proof this body is getting older. Maybe it is time to pull up my big girl pants and respect this body.

The time feels right,

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A new month to get through

It’s November and edging closer to the winter, and I barely made it out of October.

We had issues with Mom’s electric and gas heater last month which got straightened out, and all is good, as she is hanging in there. The issue, as the holiday gets closer, is who watches Mom for holidays. My brother has two sons. I have my husband and in-laws.As many times as we would have tried, it was always difficult oto work a holiday with Mom.My brother tried bringing his family up to Mom’s one year, but she really wasn’t cognizant of anything, so that was the end of that. You acknowledge that things will no longer be how they used to be,and it does make you sad, but basically,it just becomes an issue of sitting there taking care of Mom when it’s a holiday.For the past three years, people are wishing you Merry Christmas and you are anything but merry.

As a caregiver, it’s awfully hard to be upbeat on a daily basis. So be forewarned. I’ll have a rough couple of months until after New Years.

Bear with me,ok?

Ghosts of Halloween Past

Halloween was a big thing for me as a kid.

My best friend, Karen and I, would walk around the neighbor a Saturday morning before and we would plot our route. One year we actually wrote in a little book who gave out what, because people gave the same thing out every year.

One house gave out Charms lolly pops( for those of you who remember, it was the big one you’d pay a nickel for.My parents gave out Hershey bars-the plain ones. One house gave out apple taffies-this was before the time of razor blades in candy. another house gave out bags of popcorn..and so on.Back then you were actually held accountable, and needed to know a joke in the event a neighbor wanted to know your trick. Now, I shudder when I see bigger folks out with no costume, no effort, but a big pillowcase.

For the past ten years, we have been on a street that has a lot of Victorian type homes, and with our arbor vitae and cedars, our house has often been made reference to as the ” Adams Family House”. I always tried to make Halloween as good for the kids today as I had it. We used to have parties at our house outside, as we were a corner property with plenty of room for neighbors who didn’t have a lot of kids visit or were in apartments. We stopped it over the past two years, just being quiet and giving candy out for the kids. It’s kind of hard, too, because I used to try to make something special up for the kids I knew, but they are all growing up in their own way, and I just can’t figure out what I could give across the board, so candy it shall be.

It is kind of bittersweet for me, as I get old and with no children of my own. I have been thinking the last year or two of stopping giving out candy, but don’t have the heart to. As the kids I know get older, well, let’s just say I think the decision will be easier. In the meantime, I will enjoy the children as they come, with the assistance of my godson, Greg and Jim and Zush. Kasia will probably be barking in the house because she is scared of children. We’ll go through it again, one more time………

What a week…

This week has been awfully long for me.

It could be because I knew I would have no chance to sneak out to the Undisclosed location. The fact that my escape hatch was bolted shut, so to say, seemed to magnify the drama dancing around in my life.

But that was this week.

It’s Friday. I’m home tonite. It’s getting colder out so I have to bring the rest of the plants in. A little baking to make the house smell good is also on my agenda. Walking both the girls to keep us in shape. Turning clocks back equals an extra hour sleep Sunday. Most importantly, I’ve got my love to keep me warm.

Pretty lucky girl and I know it.

Have a good weekend.

At least it isn’t snow…

Whenever it gets to be a little rainy, I always am amused at the folks who come back at me with,” At least it isn’t snow.”

OK, sure, when you are out in the work force, you don’t want to have to get up early and have to shovel before you get to work. And for my best efforts, I never had sure traction in snowy,icy weather until I got ice shoes that enabled me to walk a little bit more confidently on an icy street.

Rain is no fun when you are working and you almost fall asleep on public transportation coming in because of the sound of rain on the roof. All you want to be is home under a blanket, wearing sweats, and taking a nap. Rain is good for the trees and such, but I think I enjoy the rain because it is part of nature’s transition. Helps get ready for either growth,or cleaning up for the next season. You can take a moment and salute the past seasons of your life, but now,the season is getting ready for Nature ,taking a nap and waking up all green and blooming in the spring. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy living in the mid-Atlantic states. Seasons are a great barometer of life.

I’m ready-bring it on.

Emotionally exhausted

If you ever talk to a caregiver and they tell you they are not emotionally exhausted, they are stretching the truth.

I have been taking care of my Mom with the help of my brother here in the city for what will be 4 years this coming January.It’s a long haul so far. Within the past month, two friends of mine( in their 50’s-60’s) have had their Moms pass away. Both had dementia, as my Mom does, but one had cancer as an underlying condition, and wasn’t bed-ridden as my Mom is, and the other had dementia for about 5 years but passed away at 98 years of age.

When these folks lost their Moms, I hugged them and gave them my deepest sympathy and then , about a half beat later, said you lucky S.O.B.They both exchanged the look with me and knew.Their lives can resume again.One friend has two dogs and a teaching job he loves, and my other pal is a Grandmom who has a gorgeous house and a lifestyle I secretly covet.

I often say my Mom died in January of 2008 and we are taking care of my Mother. I pray for her every day- I do.

There’s a line in the movie Rudy, between Robert Prosky as a Priest, talking to Sean Astin as the main character. The main character asks the priest has he done all he can do? He has lit candles, prayed, went to Mass, and the Priest answers by saying to him,. “God answers in God’s time.”

**sigh**

The whole wheeze and nothing but the wheeze…

I am tired of wheezing.

No, I am not an asthmatic, thank God, but between mold spores from two months of kick butt rain and post-nasal drip, I have been hacking and wheezing for the past month. I have been taking my generic mucinex, forcing fluids, all the good stuff. This past weekend I woke upon on Saturday and had no coughing for one WHOLE day!

Sunday morning? Dry tickle when I woke up, and within 3 hours, the hack was back. Dressing weather appropriate, trying to stay away from other hackers, you know, all that good stuff. Hell, I even got a flu shot…

Give me a good forty degree cold snap and let’s get the crap out of the air and all will be as close to good as it can be.**here’s hoping**