A Gift From Zush

My girl left me for heaven one year ago today.

She sent me a gift from heaven to mark the occasion.

If you peer through the window, you will see “LB”, or Little Birdie. It is a fledgling blue jay who somehow has ended up on our porch. He came into our lives Sunday and has been in various positions on the porch bench. The shot above is Kasia checking in with her baby brother…lol.

The mother and father, I assume, have their nest in the front of our house.They have been back on numerous occasions during the day to check on LB and I have seen the Mom feed LB a worm or two.

I know, eventually, as all “kids” do, LB will leave the nest. Until then, thanks, Zush, for sending a little heart saver to us.

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Pain plus 363

I know that although my heart is heavy, I love both my girls, and always will.

They ALWAYS hung together, except at the vet- not Kasia’s favorite spot. This is one of my favorite pictures I took out back with them. My Zush was always willing to humor me for a picture; Kas, not so much.

This was the best pseudo-selfie of Kasia and me. This shot I took when I first was attempting selfies.

This is one of my favorite Zush shots: I took it in my back yard. We were coming back from a good walk.

And baby Zush, 6 months old, on the day we became her pack.💜🐕😘

Both gals hanging out at our neighbor’s yard, working on treats.

So there you are. My heartache tempered by some memories close to my heart.

Pain plus 362.


For the past three hundred and sixty-two days, I have been making strides with Kasia, who Jim and I refer to as the queen. She knows she has the rule of the house.

Yet my heart sinks daily as the memory of my Zushie is never far out of my mind. Three hundred and sixty-two sunrises and sunsets that I haven’t had her here with me. Fireworks throughout the year that I haven’t had to worry about calming her down.

I have some comfort that she is with my Mom, but it is still so hard.

I don’t even take Kasia down to the bay, as she doesn’t love it quite the way Zush did. I find it quite ironic that we moved down here because she could go and swim her hearts’ content in the bay, and now she is gone.

So please forgive me if I am not quite myself the next few days.

My heart hurts.

A Moment

I am sitting here for a few minutes trying to compose myself.

Tomorrow, I am finally getting seen by my GI for my esophagus issue. I am so tired from worry, and yet can’t seem to stop. The last time I had fear like this in my heart was 1999, having had the third of my three cancers back then. Sometimes you know that things are going to be rough. Especially in my mind is I was in my thirties for my first three. I’m a little older now.

It’s funny how people tell you not to worry.

I’ll stop worrying when I get an all clear from the doctor.

AmityRedux

Yup, it’s that time of the year again. Memorial Day brings all the tourists down and with a forecast not written in stone, they show “Jaws”. I laugh because every time I watch this in tandem with the advent of tourists, you can pinpoint the accuracy Steven Spielberg used when casting for summer folks and their roles.

You could walk out my front door with me now, walk to the bay, and you’d laugh at the movie-type folk you see.

Fortunately, entertainment lasts only so long, and, thank God, October gets here!

Spinning Head

I had worked for 30 years at my primary position. It was my occupation for almost 1/2 of my life.

When we relocated and moved down the shore with the girls and Jim, I could have done nothing but volunteered for rescue, library, and the like, but ended up working. I started in the Acme in the Bakery department and later front end cashiering. The I spent a dark four months at the Ferry, which I would wish on no one.I gave myself a few months off, and ended up working as a substitute class aid for the school district.

I have gone through paperwork to send in to become a substitute teacher, but the last few nights I haven’t been feeling too well.Do I really want to work?

The issue right now is I am working five days a week, sometimes four. I really don’t WANT to go back to that. At the same time I am torn with the satisfaction I get helping the children. When you are married to a man almost on medicare, I realize that maybe I have to stop my head from spinning and stick with it.

But you know what?

I AM TIRED.

Change of Sheets

Today after work, I did the wash and did the switch over. Good bye to polar fleece sheets, hello to the cotton ones.

Sad.

I walk around and look at Kasia’s face and know she is wondering when Momma will be around for a while. It seems that she’d like to be in air-conditioning because that means Mom would be home.
She loves to be upside down when I give her a belly rub after our walk, and school cuts into that time. She isn’t pleased.

Then, as I switched the sheets for the season, I remembered the last time that I did this Zush- girl was still here.

I know things change, times change, but for just some more time with my girls I’d have such a full heart and one not so heavy.