Three significant events happened today in my personal history.
My oldest brother married his wife in January 1971.
I retired after 30 years with my employer.
Three years ago today, we moved to “Undisclosed location” for good.
Who says nothing happens in January?
My brother’s anniversary is their 46th. I am pleased as punch to be alive and kicking after leaving a job surviving thirty years there. Best of all, I am writing this in our home, far away from the maddening crowd.
I was texting with one of my sisters this afternoon and wrote that “God is good all the time.”
I truly believe that, even though there are times that I am left scratching may head and wondering why, God, are you doing this to me: His answer comes to me in HIS time, not my time.
I am blessed with good friends, reasonable health, but my heartache is missing my girl Zush. Oh how I wish she was here with me. Don’t get me wrong: Kasia is good, but tends to bond stronger with Jim. As all mothers must mutter to themselves at one time or another,”they only want me when they want something.”
Guess I’ll just keep on keeping on.
I am watching television and on comes a commercial for Medicare 65 health insurance. The man is walking along a beach with a golden retriever.
It’s that time of year and I had to figure out our Christmas cards. Of course, I do photo cards and that meant pictures, for the last time, of both my girls.
It’s November and it’s been 5 months and 8 days since my Zush left me. Her foster mom, my buddy Kathy, tells me how their spirit stays behind. I sit in our love seat and look at where she used to lay and try to visualize her, but to no avail. I talk to her once in a while, too. Oh, I know: Kasia reigns supreme now, but Zush still haunts me. Here alone at night with Kasia, it is kind of quiet.At least with the both of them here I always had entertainment. More often, it was me yelling at Kasia to stop bothering Zush, or talking to Zush as she lay out back on the deck to try to coax her back in. I talk to Kasia, really, I do. The quietness is still overwhelming.
We both miss her sister.
When I lost my parents, friends always would say the heart heals with time.Through the past twenty years, my heart has yet to heal.Oh sure, it would start to.When that would happen, it was a guarantee that more heartache was around the corner.
God, how I miss her.
Yesterday,in the late afternoon, Zush was running out in the yard and had a serious fall.
At 15 1/2, she was confused and fell off the handicapped ramp. It kills me, because she was running out to greet me. She ate last night and pottied, but today is not too good.
Please send some good karma and/or prayers out to Kasia’s big sister.
I’m either hoping for a miracle or a smooth transition for her. She deserves no less.
My heart is breaking.
Every night I am here with the girls, and that’s it. On the weekend Jim is here with me.
I am accustomed to it, and just pretty much make do with the way things are.The only bad thing, right now, is that I sit here and become my mother.That is not a bad thing, but it means I sit here and think and pray and cry and hope about Zosia.
There was the documentary that was shot about 9/10/2001, and the female documentary maker said about the title of her film roughly translated from Spanish.You are not dead the night before you die.You are still living.That has always stuck in my head and when I am here with my girls, it makes me even more determined to savor every moment for the memory.I can’t worry about losing Zush, as God has still granted her presence with me.
Still, it is hard, during the time that goes bump into the night, to keep that good frame of mind.I just have to love both the girls as much as I can.
Tomorrow is another doctor appointment for me with the infectious disease doctor.I hope that this maybe, just maybe, can wrap up soon. Any prayers or good karma you can send this way, I will be forever in your favor.
If it was age, heat or what,Zush has not been in a good walking mood. I would assume that she is probably hurting, She goes out to take care of business and then turns me around to come back.
The Kasia says to me,”Don’t be sad, Mom: I will walk with you.”
So After I hang our freshly washed sheets out on the line, Kas and I will be going out to get a little exercise in this heat.Zush, smart girl that she is, will stay on her new bed and in the air.
It’s just a little bittersweet not to take both my girls out.
Zush got a reward for avoiding the skunk her sister tangled with.
If you remember the skunk-related post, the attack was at midnight and I was the one cleaning Kasia in the bathroom.Well, despite the advice of the American Humane Association, she was somewhat clean, but essence of skunk went with her as she promptly went over to Zusher’s bed. Zush took it like a champ, even though I could read the look on Zusher’s face.
I took advantage of Amazon Prime day and got her a new bed: orthopedic mattress and soft sherpa cover.Both are washable, and my girl seems to love it.For now, I just police it and tell Kasia to go on the old bed.
I used to bake chicken once in a while, especially when I was single.
I can honestly say I have not made one at home in almost 13 1/2 years. Really. It’s been that long because when rotisserie is reasonable in the supermarket, well, I factor in what it would cost to make it at home and usually get the one from the market.
Our local Acme had oven stuffer roasters on sale so I thought, why not.It’s been a while and I would make it as it gets cooler.Well, although it was fifty degrees today, at twilight…
…you could see the front moving in.
Fortunately thanks to my interest in following the weather, plus all the surgical scars I have that react to barometric pressure changes, I felt the oven stuffer’s number was up back around 2PM.
Zush and I walked the neighborhood while Jim took Kasia to a state park beach to run.Hopefully Daddy and daughter will be home for dinner.