It has been a hard day today.
I think, like a lot of people who have had loss in their life, the closer you get to Christmas the harder it is to deal with.People who still have all their family haven’t a clue as to what the loss does to you at this time of the year.Things happened today that just seemed to put me over the edge, and I can honestly say I have not cried this much and felt this low in a long time.It’s hard, because I used to love this week and now, I can’t believe that I have turned into one of those people who can’t wait for February, so December would be over.
It is sad, and when I think of my “past” life”, I think this is what makes me tear up the most.I guess I need to put the sadness of the past in its place, and the fear of the future in it’s place.I just have got to live in this moment.
You know I always believed it what I had read one time that was a Helen Gurley Brown quote. For those too young to remember her, I’ll save you the google: she was the editor of Cosmopolitan magazine for many years. The quote went,” Only God and the working girl look out for the working girl.”
It is sad that I am at a point at my life where I feel as though I am left to look out for myself.It could be because Father’s Day is coming up and I miss my Dad, or what would be my parents’ 73rd wedding anniversary would be this Saturday.For some reason, I am really missing them a lot these days.
For those of you who still have a Dad, hug him tight on Sunday. I know I wish I could.
Yup, I know Fall doesn’t start until late September.
As I sit here and type this, I am looking out the window and looking at the late summer lawn and garden.Part of me is genuinely sad, as I am sitting in the room where both my parents passed away in 1998 and 2012.That thought and looking at the outside really makes me feel the passage of time.Part of me laments the fact that I used to go swimming in the summer with Zush, and the fact that we are both getting a little older, well, Zush goes in and I keep her company going up to my mid-calves.
I feel depressed.
The hope I have is for the future.
The hope to finish out my time here in the city and pray that the future is kind to us all.To actually live in a house with my husband that is ours and with our furniture and belongings and things that are ours is something that I am patiently waiting for. I hear Jim say about how is going to miss his job, and yet, I am leaving mine to move as is he, and this was the first time I heard him express that.Wow…something else to mull over in my mind,
I mull these things over in my head, and although I know I am more than ready to leave, I can only pray that we all survive the transition.
In the crispness of fall, hopefully, things will be comforting to us and we all will be alright.
I make sick calls for my Church, bringing Communion to those who can’t make it to Mass.
Last night I stopped first and saw my buddy Sue. What a rough visit.
Her condition is going downhill.Her husband, although he probably knows it, doesn’t say it.
So when he is out of the room talking to my husband, Sue and I talk about a lot of things.
Basically we talk about dying.
Her quality of life is getting poorer by the day. She was speaking of how she can’t get in
the car and ride any more.She can’t walk Eby, her dog.As ahe speaks to me, the tears fall
from her eyes. Her degenerative brain disease obviously hasn’t gotten to her emotions
yet, although she told me yesterday her eyes are starting to fail.
I did manage to make her laugh though.
We talked about her leaving and eventually seeing her family again, as is the belief or
the faith we share.I told her that one day I would come to see her and she wouldn’t be
there.I looked at her straight in the eye and asked her who’d have the last laugh?
She said she would, of course….and we both started laughing.
Hold a good thought , or say a prayer for Sue if you would, please.
It’s rough,leaving one spot behind.
In prior blog posts, I had written about my friend with a degenerative brain disease.
She had been diagnosed about 5 years ago, and has been going slowly downhill, which has been
so hard for us who love her to watch.We hang in there with her though, because she, even in her illness, is a good friend.
If you can’t find the prior post, she is a former neighbor who made friends with me from the day I moved in,eleven years ago. Her fur-child is Eby, a beautiful male golden retriever. We used to tease about Zush being Eby’s wife-we had many a good chuckle over that. Fortunately Zush is spayed so no worries for me.
I can remember her illness coming on as if it were yesterday. Jim,Zush and I were with her and Eby walking the trail of the Wissahickon. She was complaining about feeling off-balance sometimes, which I said maybe the doctor would tell her it was vertigo.
I always would walk up twice or 3 times a week when I lived on the block, and we would chew the fat for a while. As her condition has deteriorated, I kept that up,until when we moved this last month. Now I only get to see her once a week.
Yesterday was her 62nd birthday.
If you are of some free time, please throw up a prayer or good thought for my buddy. No one should have to go through what she is.
My nephew, Gregory, took his last final of the term yesterday at
Temple University, where he attends. Each semester, we would manage
to either come in together on the train, or at least to meet up
If things keep rolling along,it’d be a bit harder to get to a train
in the morning.I kind of see myself, unfortunately, being a bus
commuter. Oh how I will miss the quiet cars on the train.
But as Dorothy says to the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz,
“I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.”
I’ll miss our train rides, Greg, but old Cioci will always be
there for you.
It is rough when you have a lot of life’s issues on your shoulders.
You depend on prayer and your faith, but what is it that gives you freedom from fear? A pretty strong faith! I don’t care if you are religious or not-good friends I am always thankful for, and I still need prayers so things pick up .