Mom’s No Fool

Funny thing about my Mom.

You would never figure her for it, but she was genuinely funny. Really. Those of you who read my blog and also know me know I can be funny too. I’d like to think I got it from her.

The reason this came to me this morning is that I realized it’s April Fool’s Day.

When I was a kid in elementary school, I would get dressed in my Catholic school uniform, and comedown for breakfast. As I finished and got up from the table, Mom would tell me to wait, and then announce that there was something on my uniform. Sometimes she’d wait until I was by the front door and grabbing my jacket. Regardless, she always got me. As we both got older, I went along with her prank to make her feel better.

For the sake of tradition, I feebly got Jim this morning. I mean, it’s April Fool’s Day, and you kind of had to do it.

….for Mom.

I knew she was in heaven smiling.

Mom

Well, I really didn’t want either of them to leave me, Mom and Zosia.

I was left behind.

Today my Mom would have been 95 years old.

I remember all the years I tried to get Mom the perfect birthday present. As she would joke that the both of us are each other’s present, there were many years we swapped Christmas pins that people would give each of us for our birthdays.

I think I won, this year, though.

Babci( Grandmother in Polish) and Zosia…

She has my Bestie up there with her in heaven for her polka party.

Party on, Girls!

Mother’s Day 2017

Happy Mother’s day to all my friends who are mothers( or fathers) to two or four-legged children. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I know my Mom is in heaven enjoying her Mother’s day with her Mom. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her and my Dad.

As for me, I will be thankful, as I am daily, for all my time I get with my fur girls. Here I am celebrating my Mother’s day by posting my favorite shot of me with Zosia and Kasia.

Happy Birthday Mom!

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I’d like to think that the temperature is divine in heaven, so this picture I picked for a blog for Mom would be pretty good, even though it’s December.December 18th would be Mom’s 94th birthday here on earth, but I am sure there is a good time going on in heaven, complete with her family, my Dad, my niece and her friends.

I miss my Mom every day.At this point of my life, I think back mostly to the last 5 years of her life when she had the subdural hematoma and lapsed into dementia.That Mom was so different from the Mom who took care of me as I grew up. I have good memories of childhood, but the last years of Mom were an experience I’ll never forget. I got to see a different side of her, to experience a different side of her, and in a way, it was like coming full circle.

I miss you every day,Mommy and will love you forever.

Mom…it feels like a lifetime

Today marks four years since Mom passed and I have to offer what I had written in last years post. The meaning is even deeper, as is the heartache.

I miss her every day.It’s a hole in my heart that I know might be healed over by the time I pass away.I find her in little things, and especially, while in the process of moving, I unpacked her sweater and sat with it on today.I made waffle batter this morning in one of her mixing bowls. Tomorrow I am going to look for a book to put her handwritten recipes in. I know she is at peace,and that is the only thing that makes the pain of loss a little bearable.

I keep a picture of her on the table by my bed, and see her every morning.It’s a shot of her before she fell into dementia.On the computer I see pictures of her in her hospital bed when she was in hospice.Today we got the new issue of AARP magazine and they had, on the cover,pictures of everyone who had Alzheimer’s/Dementia and they were people who had passed within the year.

I cherish the memory while God still blesses me with one, and cherish every day I am on two feet. I figure the best way I can honor her legacy is to keep going as best as I can.

Doesn’t stop her from missing me, though.

Pretty Old.

So I am retired,now, right?

It’s a holiday weekend, right?

I can’t believe I made time to do this, but I actually worked on some Christmas cards today. I don’t know what came over me.Maybe it’s the fact that I have this desk that really isn’t as large as I have had in the past and I thought, maybe working on them, I’ll make some room.

I flashed back to growing up and remembering my Mom sitting at the dining room table addressing Christmas cards.Jeez, even she waited until the first weekend of December.I am having company next weekend, so I guess, that also played in the back of my mind,so I would have time to hang with my buddy from my teens, Margo.

For some reason though,realizing I did this today made me think of how OLD I am fortunate to be getting. I just wish mentally, I’d feel a little younger….

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Hard time of the year.

As much as I love October, there are some strong memories tied into the month that are now under the realm of being bittersweet.

My oldest brother turned 68 this past Sunday.My brother in the city turns 65 this Saturday, and my Dad would have been 95 on the next day.

The thought brings a lump in my throat, as things can never be as they once were. My Mom would be in the kitchen,making her 1-2-3-4 cake, We all gathered around the dining room table and sang in Polish and English Happy Birthday. We would have pumpkins in the house and mums all through the house.

Good times.

All I can do now is pray for Daddy in heaven on his birthday and send cards to my brothers,

And finally I wrap up in my heart the memories of those good times, and how blessed I was to be there for them.

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Bachelorette Sad Life

No,

I am not talking about the television show.

My Mother-in-law got a ride back to the city by her son, so I came home from work and am spending the night with the fur girls
.
Sad when the larder is bare and the is nothing really to make for dinner. The girls kept hoping I’d find something to share with them but there isn’t a bone in the cupboard for Mom nor fur girls .

Somehow, I will get through this, and get myself to bed. I am getting a ride to work at 6:30 am tomorrow morning.That’s not too bad though.

Tomorrow’s my Friday!

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Can You See Me Now?( With apologies to Verizon)

There is nothing, I think, worse that having vision deteriorate with age.

Well, strike that. I can thing of a ton of stuff that is worse, but on a daily basis, realizing your vision isn’t what it used to be, well, it’s annoying.

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I am no seamstress: never was, never will be. I did take a home economics class in high school and between that, Mom and Aunt Jennie, I managed to pick some things up. One of them was to sew and/or repair things with a needle and thread…until I could no longer gear up patience to thread a needle. I wear tri-focals.I wear them for distance, nearness and computer.As I got older, the needles I found to fix things with had the smallest of holes. I finally found,in all places,a Wal-Mart, that Singer had come out with large eye needles. I had chuckled when I found them, because I assumed that it reflected the greying of America.

Look out world: I am ready to become a stitching fool!

Dropping in

So today was Mother’s day.

We went to the city to spend time with Jim’s 96-year-old Mom. She is wonderful and was really in great spirits while we were there.

Then we went to see my Mom and Babcis.

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This gravestone marker always served as our guide where my Mom’s Mom, or my Babci was buried nearby. My parents are buried by my Dad’s Mom, or my other Babci. There is something surreal as you get older and have no one left to see: everyone has left you behind.Sure, I get exercise getting to the graves, and since we travel a while to get there, I walk the girls on the road so we can get some steps in.But still, you become enveloped in loss. Not only do you realize your immediate family is gone but you recognize names on the gravestones around you. If you don’t realize that you ARE the adult now and the circle of life.

It was still something of a comfort to be at my Mom’s grave, and not just talking and praying for her from a distance. I believe she is always with me.

Spring this….

So the first day of spring was the other day, right?

Can’t prove it by me.

We went for shopping this afternoon and as I was trying to pick out Easter flowers, there were snow flurries in the air.

SNOW FLURRIES.

It brought back memories of my Mom, who would tell me how, at my oldest brother’s First Holy Communion, in May, back in the early fifties, it snowed.They couldn’t take pictures of the kids at grotto areas for keepsakes due to snow.The thought brought a smile to my face, and drew me to a pot of three white hyacinths.Tradionally, my brother in the city with me would pick up a purple hyacinth for her, I would get her a white one, and my Dad would buy Mom a lily.The memory brought a smile to my face. Once the flowers fade away, I’ll have the bulbs to come up each spring to renew the memory.

Thank God for small favors.

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Looming

Knitting is something that was taught to me by my Mom.

I am ok at it, but I am not as proficient as I would like to be.When I knit,once in a while I’d drop a stitch or two and have to rip whatever I am knitting and start over.

It gets frustrating after a while.

Back in December I decided to try a new approach to knitting;I bought a loom.

A loom allows you to knit,but you have something more solid to work off of than just knitting needles.You are working off of a wooden or plastic formed loom, which basically holds the stitches for you.It has been a rough start for me though. I just started it this afternoon, and I have to rip what I did.I tend to have a tight hand while I am doing it and it’s not necessarily a good thing. I am going to rip and start again tomorrow morning and I will post progress shots as I get along.

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Mom

I read a post of Facebook today that made me close my eyes and take me back three years.

A friend of mine who is posted in the Vatican put on the Facebook message page that his father passed away. I wrote condolences from myself and Jim, and let him know that this is the week of the year that God looks for angels. Today is three years that my Mom passed away.

Three years.

I miss her every day.It’s a whole in my heart that I know might be healed over by the time I pass away.I find her in little things, and especially, while in the process of moving, I unpacked her sweater and sat with it on today.I made waffle batter this morning in one of her mixing bowls. Tomorrow I am going to look for a book to put her handwritten recipes in. I know she is at peace,and that is the only thing that makes the pain of loss a little bearable.

I keep a picture of her on the table by my bed, and see her every morning.It’s a shot of her before she fell into dementia.On the computer I see pictures of her in her hospital bed when she was in hospice.Today we got the new issue of AARP magazine and they had, on the cover,pictures of everyone who had Alzheimer’s/Dementia and they were people who had passed within the year.

I cherish the memory while God still blesses me with one, and cherish every day I am on two feet. I figure the best way I can honor her legacy is to keep going as best as I can.

Doesn’t stop her from missing me, though.

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Moving daze…lol

The fun began.

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So here I am with the rest of my life ahead of me and a big bunch of moved items.

**sigh**

I never have the energy or inclination to pack or unpack.Because I am a sentimental fool who has memories of basically everything and feel sad, albeit I do get excited at change, I admit, I tend to reflect quicker than I do look forward.I cherish the memories I do have, and especially having a Mom who had dementia, realize the importance of them.

It’s a new day, however, and it’s the classic “first day of the rest of my life.”

Pardon me while I get back to moving boxes and black bags.

Christmas Lights

One of the perks of walking the dogs at night right now is, despite that it’s cold out right now, folks have Christmas lights up.

At my age, I remember the lights my father would put up on our row home porch every year.The tradition was, he put them up in time for my Mom’s December 18th birthday: it was the traditional flip of the first switch.We loved it. It was tradition, it celebrated Mom’s birthday, my birthday and the most important birthday,Christmas.As I got older and my nephew Greg was born on December 19th, I took my toddler nephew Matt out through the neighborhood to ooh and ah at all the lights.

Now I walk the girls at night and there are blown up reindeer and snow globes and God knows what else adorning lawns in neighborhoods.The lights are no longer simple,in fact some of them are LED giving a whole different glow to Christmas.I always look and admire the handiwork that I see in front of me, no matter the amount of kitsch in it, because I remember the lights of the row home 50 years ago and the warm memories with it.

Nothing like it in the world.

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Memory Triggered

I took a bus down and because it was cold , I got off the bus and made my way to the train platform. I had decided to take a train into town.

There was a little scene going on at the platform: a 30-ish mom with her little 6-year-old boy and she was trying to talk him into wearing her scarf to stay warm.

I was so fortunate to go on the train and who sits across from me from the mother and the young boy. He sat there proudly holding a $10 dollar bill between his fingers to pay the conductor for the fare. We started talking about the boy and I spoke to her of my nephews and their love of trains. I had an actual pleasant start to my day, with pleasant memory triggered by this mom and her boy, for which I thanked them and wished them a merry Christmas, and they did the same to me.

I felt good, for the first time in a long time.

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Drop a Stitch

Before my Mom became ill with dementia, I likely had her review knitting with me and I was so grateful that I did.I have made a few things and admittedly, I struggled trying to make them nice.

I picked up a few skeins of green chenille yarn and decided to run the other way. I embraced my roots: I crocheted.

As a kid, I used to watch my Mom crochet me a hat to wear for school. She would do it on a Sunday night between 7 and 8PM, when Wonderful World of Disney was on.I was fascinated how she could do that in such a short amount of time! And it was a pretty hat to boot!

As I got older, I made my oldest brother and his wife an afghan as a wedding present , with some help from Mom, I made scarves, I made myself an afghan.I think that is why I got back to crocheting.It is like comfort. I can’t finesse knitting needles like my friend Julie can, but I can make my way with a crochet hook.

Thanks, Mom!

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Just for me

Three years ago today, I moved my blog, Thereisnosanityclause, to this platform at Word Press.

It’s been a long three years.

I want to take this commercial break, if you will, to thank you all for reading my posts.It means a lot to me and I do appreciate it.What has started as an exercise to keep me going while caregiving for my late mom has become something I look forward to doing.Your occasional comments help keep me going.

Thanks,reader,for stopping.Do come back tomorrow.I’ll be ready with a new post.

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Hack-hack….

I have started hacking away all of a sudden.

It starts as soon as I leave the house in the morning.

I saw what it was this morning…

RAG WEED.

Talk about your warm and fuzzy childhood moments.As soon as I realized what it was, I heard my Mom talking to me.

” Whenever it was time to go back to school, you always came down with a ” cold”. Finally I took you to the doctor who said to me you had hay fever.”

Jeez, Mom, that would explain the amount of handkerchiefs you sent me to school with, tucked away in my uniform blouse sleeve.Thanks, Mom. I always wondered about that.

I thought of something I recently saw posted on Facebook. It went something to the effect of your Mother never leaves you.

What a comforting thought.Miss you every day,Mom.

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Blog #1,000

“I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song.
I’m twenty-two now but I won’t be for long
Time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown….”

Paul Simon wrote these lyrics for a Simon and Garfunkel hit circa 1966 called ” Leaves that are Green”.I thought this was an appropriate start for the blog numbered 1,000.

I started this blog in 2011, when I was 51 years old. I was sharing care-giving duties for my Mom with Dementia with my brother.I was married for 9 years back then. I had crappy knees and was waiting to get knee replacements.And yes, I was thinner,

So on the occasion of this blog #1000, so much has changed.

Mom is gone, I am happily married, next month, for 12 years. I have new knees and a belly because emotion still gets the best of me.I am working on that, though, and trying to get things together.

Jim and I have a new home and we’ll be occupying full-time in a few months.I, knock wood, am on the road to retirement.My girls are still with me: Zush is 12 and Kasia is 5. Jim and I are trying to set up housekeeping and farming down here at Undisclosed.The emotions are mixed at folding up our tent and leaving the big city, but more times than not, we are more than ready to leave it behind.

This blog has been therapy for me to vent and also to keep the memories of what has happened, be it good, bad or indifferent. It also has been a way for me to share my stories and experiences with you, dear reader.Thanks for reading and being here for me. I appreciate the fact that you check in with me and the family. For that you have my thanks and a giant hug.

Thanks!

And to quote the tag line from the Beverly Hillbillies…”You all come back now, hear?”

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You say to-MAH-toe

All my life my summers have involved tomatoes.

When I was little, and we would go down the shore, Dad would always stop at farm stands for New Jersey tomatoes.My mother would roll her eyes after a while, but she kept quiet because she loved them as much as he did.

The backyard of the house where we lived had a plot to plant in and of course, tomatoes were involved. My Dad was even one of those people who when they came upon a type of tomato that they like, Dad would save the seeds on a paper towel and when they dried up, he would put them in a brown envelope, mark the type of tomato on the front, and you could bet they’d be planted nest season.

Dad is no longer here, and he would have appreciated the fact that I am over the bridge and close to water.More importantly, I have successfully planted my first, bona fide, home-grown Jersey tomato.It gave up its’ life for us for dinner tonite and it was tasty.

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Dad? This one’s for you.

Malaise

A beautiful night we have tonight, and I took the girls out.

I am back sitting in my parent’s home.I am typing in the room where both of them left this world in. Granted, my mom had passed away in January, but this time of year always takes me to my Dads’ passing in August of the year. So many memories swirl in my head, and they are mine alone, since I was here when Dad passed. Jim and I weren’t married then.

I’d like to think Dad would be happy about the move to Undisclosed, especially since the former Navy man loved the water.You think back about so many things and how you wish they physically were there with you. Yes, I know, they are both here in spirit, but, how wonderful it would have been to see their reaction to things.

Then I stop and think of my Mom and thank God that I still have the memories, because, Mom didn’t.I try to savor every day and everything, and hopefully, I have the memory of happy times for a long, long time in the future.

Until then,it’ll be a daily struggle to cut through the fog of malaise. Clear skies can’t come soon enough.

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Kicking Back….

with Jim’s Mom and my sister-in-law Kathy, who came down to spend some time with us. We just got back from Mass, and the three of them are looking at an album of Jim’s baby pictures. It’s incredible to hear a 95-year-old perspective looking back at her little son, circa 60 years ago.

I constantly remind Jim about how lucky they are to still have Mom around, as I miss mine every day.She is still kicking, in a manner of speaking,and comes up with some sharp sayings that betray her 95 years.

It’s always good to have a chance to reflect back on where you were, where you came from, because it helped make you what you are today.

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Down the shore everything’s alright

Today is the first day of summer, and it seems that anyone who could, made it down the shore to celebrate the longest weekend of the year.

It is an overcast day here at Undisclosed, although the sun has been playing hide and seek in the clouds. Unfortunately, at least to me,it is also humid, which is my least favorite of weather conditions.My only consolation is that there are maybe three more months of humidity and then fall shows up. My father, and my mom, too, on occasion, would remark about wishing your life away, but humid days, as I get older, well, I can do without.

Pancake breakfast is done, fresh shower under my belt, cold iced tea in my cup… life is good.

Happy First Day of Summer.

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How old am I?

I am sitting with Jim and we are watching a rerun of the 2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I am suppressing the urge to pull my grey hair out. Peter Gabriel is being introduced by, I think, Chris Martin from Coldplay**not that I would know who the hell Coldplay is**.

Genesis.
Peter Gabriel
Phil Collins
….seen by me in my 20’s. I’m 54 now. Thirty years later.I never followed current music once I passed, maybe 35, watching this show is bringing me down memory lane to a simpler time in my life. I laugh because I remember going to see Genesis and my mother asking me who it was.I guess I have come full circle in music appreciation. It is truly a blessing to be able to look back be able to smile at good memories.

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Wild woman

I have always been a traditionalist when it came to nail polish. My range went from clear to an occasional dabble in pink.

Then I turned 50.Not that I could actually grow nails long.I decided that violet was my new color,like the red hat or purple hat ladies.Now that it’s summer, I went to shades of blue and green, which happen to be my favorite colors.It was funny though: I thought I felt old nuns and my Mom yelling on why I am wearing such tramp colors. I remember in grammar school, the nuns would say that wearing red nail polish meant the devil got you.

As if.

So I will give the wild life a little chance…we’ll see how it goes.

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Happy Mother’s Day Weekend.

I miss my Mom.I miss her every day and this part of the year only accents the sadness of missing her.

My comfort is that I know she is in heaven.

I am celebrating this weekend with Jim,as my mother-in-law is 95 and we need to celebrate her.We are going to her house on Saturday so all the daughters who are grandmothers can spend Sunday with their kids. Jim’s sister, Kathy will join us on Sunday and we’ll take my mother-in-law to the casino.

I will be praying and remembering my Mom and Babcis this weekend, stopping at the cemetery.

To all of those celebrating, have a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend.

Below is one of the last pictures I took of my Mom in 2011, while she was resting in her hospital bed.

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Hello my old friend.

The weather has brought an old buddy back into my life: sinusitis.

The pressure in my head is overwhelming, so between last night’s sporadic( at best) sleep and the 25 pounds in my forehead, I am going to make this brief and then off to bed.

Jim and I went over to see his Mom tonight, something we should be doing more often as she’s 95 years old. We enjoyed her company and also hanging with his sister Kathy.

Now we are back, and off to bed!

Good night!

So now what?

The band-aid came off tonight.

There is the difference of dealing with sutures twenty years ago and today. Some things, though, do not change.Keep the site clean? No problem.Wash with soap and water? No problem.I just get this little itch right at the top of the incision that is making me nuts, and I know I can’t touch it.Once I clean it, I can put Vaseline on it, I am assuming, to keep the stitches from drying out too tightly, and keep my neck from looking too bad.

What is it about a site that automatically makes you want to go for it to touch it, scratch it,..you know what I mean.When you are a kid, you would hear your Mom say” Don’t touch it.”
Now I catch myself going for it, and go “Uh-oh.” I don’t touch it,but it must be like a magnetic force field in it, or like a flame that draws moths to it. **Chuckle**

Enjoy your Sunday!

Two Years

My Mom left me two years ago today.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her and/or think of her. Perhaps it’s because my Brother Bob and I took care of her for close to five years after she slipped into dementia.

There is so much I know she experiences from a higher vantage point: her children, her Philadelphia grandsons,her sister, her family,her church.I am sad because she never got down here with Jim and me,but am taking some comfort she’s up there,watching with my Dad.

My parents always said that we’d miss them when they left us.The only thing? They didn’t tell me how badly I’d miss them.

R.I.P. Mom.

Miss you guys every day.

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This is my eight hundredth post.

I can’t believe I have been doing this long.

Today(12/19)is my nephew Gregory’s birthday-he is 24 years old today.
I lost two of my buddies to heaven.
Zush was younger and Kasia was a wee one when I started.
Mom was sick and still around and Bob and I were care-givers.
Jim and I lived in a different house.
I wasn’t this close to finishing out my first career.
Undisclosed location wasn’t even around.

It has been a while, and I need to thank you, my reader.I appreciate the fact you find this blog and open and read it.I am thankful for those of you who like the blog, leave comments, and even express your opinion on the blog.

Here’s to 800 more.

BTW, Happy birthday Gregory. We love you lots!

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Happy Birthday….

…to my Mom is heaven.

In December she would be 91 on the 18th. It was a wonderful time in my life, as it was Mom’s birthday and then mine.Then my sister-in-law gave birth to my nephew Greg on the 19th;that made it even more special. When the dementia set in, Mom kind of remembered her birthday, I think, but tended to sleep through it.

Now she is gone.

I have my Mother-in-law who turned 95 last month, and she is a wonderful woman. She is sweet, but she’s not my Mom.There is not a day that goes by where I don’t miss her.I take comfort in the fact I believe she is in heaven, with my Dad, and her parents, sister and brothers.

It’s been a rough month for me with the passing of my friends. It actually is a pleasure to have a reminiscence of happier days and good memories.I know she is with me**chuckling** and pointing her finger at me and shaking it at something I have done or said.

Sto Lat in heaven, Mom. Party big time! 😀

N.B. Sto lat means may you live 100 years in Polish.

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Eternal Rest

I was here working on a scarf last night; not for long as my eyes were tired and almost ready for bed.

I received a text on my phone.

Sue had passed.

It’s over. My friend had gotten her wish to be with her Mom.

After the text from the caregiver, around ten minutes later, Sue’s husband phoned me to let me know. I told him I was so sorry, and he started to tell me how he was waiting on hospice to come. He knew the day was coming but he was in shock.He cared for her for the last four years and was married to her for the last thirty-two. I guess I’d be in shock too.

Rest in peace, my friend. You’ll be missed but you’re in a better place with your mom.

Sleep warm.

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The other Mrs. C.

My mother-in-law turned 95 yesterday.

Ninety-five.

I am jealous, although I am so happy for her, but it just makes me miss my Mom all that more.
She wouldn’t have liked to go out like my mother-in-law does, but just to see that smile and
and hear that voice would be so nice.

Sto lat, Mom C., and many more.God bless you and keep you safe.

Mom..I miss you every day.

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An August 15 years ago

Saturday marks 15 years since my Dad passed away at home. My Aunt and Mom took care of him while I was at work: I had him from 4PM until 6:30am.

I knew I was losing my Dad 8 months earlier. My Dad, who loved to drive, stopped-end of story.
I knew something was wrong.

My Dad was diagnosed with Non-alcoholic stenotic hepatitis.The disease took him away after 8 months.In a way, it was the best and worst time of my life.I was always tight with my Dad,and when someone hands you a full urinal at 2am, well, we would talk until we fell back asleep.
It was a terrible time because my Dad didn’t want to go to the hospital to get drained, which had accompanied the disease.We couldn’t even get him downstairs, he was so blown up. We managed to get him down, and I promised him that if he went that one time, he’d never have to go again.

We kept him home in hospice care from the V.A., and I was glad that we did.I know it gave him some peace that he was home. Roughly 18 months ago, my Mom left from the same house,but her disease was Dementia. I was glad my brother Bob and I kept her in her home.I know she, too, had some peace.

There is not a day, especially of late, that I don’t miss them both. I am grateful they brought me up with a faith that is firm and believes that I will see them again one day.They are both wagging their fingers down at me and my life from heaven….I know I will see them again some day and they’ll still be doing the same thing…lol.

I miss you guys-sleep well.

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Mom’s last pic

Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day weekend.

I miss her, but know she’s enjoying heaven. I miss her from especially last four years. The softness of her face, the softness of her hand when I touched it. Those marvelous blue eyes.

I’ll spend some time with Jim’s Mom on Sunday. It’s not quite the same., though. I am blessed to have her as a mother-in-law, though.

There is no Mom like your own.

Happy Mother’s Day !

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

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With the help of my nephew, Greg, I managed to bring in some brownie cupcakes I made for co-workers today,because doesn’t chocolate work?

I am missing Mom and Dad today, who were my first Valentines. I still feel their love every day.

Happy Valentine’s day birthday to my retired pal, Duch, who I hope is having a helluva good first birthday away from the”home”.

I am lucky to have my two furry Valentine children, and of course, my one and only Valentine, Shingleman!

And you, my reader?

Happy Valentine’s day! Thanks for being here reading this. You guys are my daily Valentine!

Three hundred sixty five days

Mom is gone one year.

One year since I got to look into those eyes, hold the soft skin of her hand, sing ,talk,and pray in Polish with her.

One year since I had to sleep on the sofa, worry about her paperwork,figure out what I can have her eat,jockey with Bob regarding issues on Mom’s care, pay her caregivers….

I’d do it ALL again.

I was blessed to have her for 52 years. She always will be a big part of me.

My nephew Greg and my Mom,.circa 3 years ago
My nephew Greg and my Mom,.circa 3 years ago

This is a picture of Mom with her grandson-my nephew, Greg.

Happy birthday in Heaven

It’s been a year, Mom.
A year since I got to sing Happy Birthday to you.
A year since I gave you some chocolates, fuzzy socks you always liked, and sang Sto Lat.

Well, you didn’t make one hundred . You hit eighty- nine. I was blessed to have you for fifty-two of them. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. I miss those blue eyes, that soft touch, that smile.

Happy birthday in Heaven, Mom. I know Dad made the pound cake for you , not our favorite 1-2-3-4 cake. I’m glad Dad is with you to get you your first heavenly birthday card.

Our December birthdays won’t be the same without you.

Love,
Marisha

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Getting a bit close..

…to my Mom’s birthday.

She would be 90 this Tuesday and it is rough.

We were mother and daughter and occasionally we were partners in crime back in the early days, but this month was the one bond we both had in common-DECEMBER. You see her birthday was the 18th, my nephew Gregory turns 23 on the 19th and I round it up on the 22nd.

I remember how I was watching Mom during one of last year’s hurricane threats and it had turned out that there was actually a tornado watch in the area. What was I going to do? Stay in a closet and watch Mom and her hospital bed get sucked out the window? I made up my mind, and despite whatever the level of the threat was, I sat on the kitchen chair that we kept by her bed and held her hand and talked to her in Polish. I remember thinking to myself that if I were to be hit by lightning or something else happening, it was appropriate, as I was holding the hand of the woman who brought me into this world. How fitting would it be if we left this world together. In short, I was as calm as could be because I was with Mom and knew whatever would happen, we were together.

I know how people always will tell you the first year is the hardest, and I can vouch for a fact that it is. If I can get through the birthday week, however, I’d like to think it’ll be ok. I know she’s with Dad and they are having the 1234 cake that she used to make, and it’ll be a good, heavenly birthday for her.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

**sigh**

 

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Good morning

So I am sitting here in my neighborhood Dunkin’Donuts, having taken public transit up to a doctor’s appointment. Having been blessed enough to get through three cancers, I don’t,as a rule, let my health slide. Mom took priority, but as she is gone eleven months now,well, time to play catch up.

Sitting in DD, I am a table away from some locals discussing current events. A livelier crew I have not come across in a while. Due to the Duchess of Cambridge’s current extreme morning sickness, well, these folks are dissecting the situation to the nth degree. I can imagine the staff here. It would be worth the price of working here to get the floor show.

Now that I am full of current events, I guess it’s time for the doctors.

Have a wonderful day.

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So awfully glad..

There were times in my life that I was sorry I couldn’t bear children. I guess, that would have been through my early forties.

Now, on the cusp of my fifty-third birthday, boy am I glad.

I was talking with my neighbors this morning and we were talking about holidays and I said about my nephews being grown. Back in the day it would be going on the train, getting to town, seeing Santa, presents, lunch, well, you know the drill. Don’t get me wrong, mind you-I love kids. The thought of this year having to go out and toy shop and all the jazz that goes with it, well, I feel like I got a break.The first year without Mom is going to be rough enough, or should I say, I know it’ll have its moments. I know she is where she wanted to be and all is good on that front. It’ll just be nice to think back on memories of the past and make my own present memories with Jim and the girls.

My brother’s birthday!

My brother Bob, who was a caregiver of my Mom alongside me, turns 62 today.

62.

I remember my Bob riding me on his bicycle on the driveway of our house on Mitchell St. Bobby who would go out back and make a snow fort for me to play in, Bobby who was always there for me.

I’m blessed to have him in my life.

I am happy that he sees 62 today, as I know that his health often has me worried for him. I know the bittersweet quality to today~it’s his first birthday without Mom. We were on the phone this morning and talked about that. We are glad she is gone and we know where she is at, but still, you miss the person who brought you into the world.

Everyday I have my Bob, I am blessed. He is a great guy and I am thankful he is my brother.

Sto Lat, Bob!

 

Below-a shot of Bob and his oldest son, Matt, when he got his Master’s degree this past summer at Millersville University

 

COFFEE TALK

It’s almost October.

It’ll be a funny October for me, with Mom not being around.

My brothers birthdays are in October. My Dad’s birthday was in October. I always, as Mom got older, picked out the cards at her request, and it was bittersweet toward the end, to have her scribble Mom on the card, When it came to Daddy’s birthday, we always remembered him and both would be quiet with our respective memories, and once in a while, I would tell her a story I remembered about Dad, and she would smile.

So here I sit, typing away.Coffee cup at a safe distance away from my Mac, and I find myself remembering the past.

It’s good when your memories are, on the most part, pleasant.

 

Friday five

Am I ever grateful for my BFF ‘s….they are true pillars of support…and it’s great because they KNOW who they are.

God gifted me with a great Dad for thirty eight years. I have missed him terribly for the past fourteen years and will love him forever.

I am grateful my nephew Greg has the chance to start another year at Temple university. He makes our family so proud.

I am absolutely grateful for a good night’s sleep: I only wish they came more often.

Finally, especially after seeing what my Mom went through, I am grateful for my memories: I hold them all close to appreciate the comfort they bring.

Have a good Friday!

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New obsession

While winding down the “Big Event” weekend, I wanted something a little different to do, basically to give my soul some comfort.

When you knit with a 100% pure wool yarn, you are able to felt.Basically felting is taking what you make, and then you wash it and the wool takes on a feeling of felt. It also helps keep Mom with me, as she taught me how to crochet and basic knitting stitches.

As this is my first 4 day week,after two 3 day weeks, I figure I’ll have something to keep me thinking. I will post the end result when done.

Have a good week!

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Bittersweet Pleasure

When I come and go the office, my train is called the Norristown line.

For four years, I’d hobble with my bad knees, sometimes to the bus when caregiving for Mom, but ALWAYS in a hurry leaving the office. There was a husband to talk to, and also care for, fur children to take for a walk, and of course, chores to do. When it would be my night at Mom’s, I’d have to hurry to relieve the caregiver .

When I got off the train, it hit me. I was in the next chapter. Mom has been gone for 2 1/2 seasons. I can take my time walking home to my family. I don’t mean to make it sound that I don’t want to hurry home to Jim and the girls: I do. It is the highlight of my day.

I just realized the mad dash of caregiving being done equals a leisurely walk home.

Truly, a bittersweet moment…..

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PS-I used a shot of Shingleman for this post….he’s my rock and reason I come home!

Friday five

My godson/nephew Greg has been my right hand this summer. From meeting me once in a while at the train, changing my flag out front, to taking care of mom’s lawn…I tell him constantly how thankful I am, and I hope he knows it!

The lousy heat has raised its’ head again. I am grateful to be employed and cashing a check that allows me an occasional iced coffee splurge.

I also am glad and thankful for my faith: my parents were with me in a dream-I know they are together and happy!

It’s August, and it is our anniversary month: I am blessed to have my Jim, even when he is freezing and I am sweating to death! 🙂

In closing , thank you, reader! I am glad you’re here.

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Suffering through the week

So having left Undisclosed location last weekend, I knew that it was going to be a long week… Boy, did I call that!

I suffered through a clown college** read office here* meeting yesterday. My nephew Matt receives his Masters’ degree tomorrow night- I would not miss that for the world! Saturday will be hard, physically and mentally, as Jim and I will be working on cleaning up Mom’s house. Sunday I ‘ll be stopping at the cemetery on the way to my mother-in-law’s.

Did I mention I miss undisclosed?…….

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A rainy 200

This is kind of a big deal for me.

Back in October, I started this blog as a therapeutic outlet for me while I watched my Mom on her downward slide with dementia.

Today, she is physically gone from me, I am still writing, and this is blog number 200. From Food network gripes, Mom, Shingleman, Undisclosed location, life working at a government agency , and, of course, my golden girls, you have been there for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here’s to the next 200!

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Try looking at the mirror..

When I was doing field work yesterday, I was on public transportation and sat behind this lady.

Yes, it was her hair, and for the record, she looked around 80.

I know sometimes I tend to look like a ragamuffin coming in, but if ever there was a reason to check the mirror on the way out, this was it. I like to humor myself and think I never looked quite this bad, but I know there have been a few scary mornings along the way, especially when I was dressing in the dark at Mom’s in the morning. Well, Mom isn’t an issue anymore, so there is NO reason to leave the house in this much, uh, disrepair?**trying to be kind**

 

…Just saying….

Easter treat

So Shingleman and I went to one of his sisters for Easter dinner. We were on the way back and passed the Evergreen Dairy Bar. Back in the day, it was called the Polar Cub. How I know this is my parents used to take us, once in a while, to Long Beach Island or Barnaget Light. Dad used to get a soft serve cone of lime sherbet twirled with vanilla ice cream and Mom’s was orange sherbet twirled with vanilla.

Thanks, Shingleman, for stopping here, and Mom? This ones for you !!!!

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Happy Easter

Well, it’s Saturday night and managed to get through today with a minimal about of tears thinking of Mom. Actually, I am chuckling to myself as I type this, because although she would have been happy that I went and got the basket of food blessed, she’d be looking for the coconut cream egg that somehow I forgot to get for the basket. It was bittersweet being in Church waiting for the food to get blessed, because the parishioners are waiting for word that the Archdiocese is going to close it as a Church, and possibly just keep it open as a “worship” site. Shingleman asked me what Mass we are going for tomorrow and I am truly torn, This parish is probably looking at its last Easter morning Mass: although since I have been married, I belong to the Church across the park and we really haven’t been up in the city a lot since Mom passed away,so we could go there too!

We threw a lot of things away today, with hopes of using our time here wisely and cleaning out to make the house ready for when we eventually move. Now the Phillies are on the television, although I honestly would want to know how Jamie Moyer, my favorite MLB pitcher, is doing in his game for the Colorado Rockies. I  am waiting for the last load to come out of the dryer , and then, time to shower and bed.

As we would say in Polish- “Wesolego Alleluja”…..Happy Easter!

Holy Saturday

Well, after cleaning out Mom’s closet today to the tune of seven black trash bags, well, suffice it to say I put a dent in the process: hard to do with a heavy heart.

My night was capped off with Greg , my nephew, and my brother Bob, and dying Easter eggs. We even had my nephew Matt on the speaker phone for a bit , and that made it nice . Eggs are dyed, kielbasa is ready, now on to Holy Saturday!!

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Wishing it were over…

…and I could wake up on Monday.

One holiday that always was tied in to my upbringing and childhood was Easter. There was always the Holy Week services, walking down the hill with two or three of my classmates on Good Friday and we would go to all five of the parishes in the area and say a prayer. As I got older, I helped a few friends decorate the altar for Easter Sunday and pin the grave that the crucified Jesus would lay in on Good Friday and get the side altar for exposition on Holy Thursday and through the weekend.

On the secular front, when nephews were younger, I would go to the local confectioner in town and get everyone an Easter egg, including my Mom, who was a coconut creme girl.I would always buy my Mom a white hyacinth for Easter, kind of in homage to all the Easter processions I walked in as a kid. My brother Bob would always get her a grape one. My Dad, when he was around, always got her an Easter lily. When I was in high school, my brother would bring home a horseradish root which was divine. See, it was as if it were homeopathic we would take turns with the grater and a bowl while sitting on a stool on the front porch and we would grind our own horseradish. Who needed decongestant? Bobby and I both still have Philadelphia sinuses, so we didn’t mind.

When I was a younger, the Polish tradition dictated that we are up early Holy Saturday morning, as the priest would be coming to your house to bless your Easter table. You would have a carved butter lamb on it, Easter basket, your kielbasa, babka, which is Polish cake/bread ,your horseradish, farmers cheese,hard-boiled eggs, salt and pepper, wine and oil and vinegar on the table. All had some significance for the Risen Lord. As we got older, we took the baskets, and my brother still does, down to church to have the food blessed.

For six of the past ten years, I would have an Easter brunch here for my family, and then go to Jersey to one of Shingleman’s sister’s for Easter. The past four years were quiet for me, as I was watching Mom with Bob. It was the best, and saddest time with her, as her faith was steadfast, but you knew there was an expiration date that you just couldn’t see yet.

I really don’t know how I am going to get through Sunday. Yes, I have the memories of my Mom, but when you go with other people, they really don’t care HOW you are feeling. For all they care, your grief stopped when you put your Mother in the ground, It’s not that easy. Somehow, I guess I am going to have to try to get through it, wishing instead I could be alone with memories of Mom. I just hope people will leave me alone, as things have been on the edge for both Shingleman and myself, and we are shot. We are good actors, because when people see us, they don’t figure it out. Our smile goes off as quickly as it goes on. We have both been through a ton since the holiday, and, quite frankly, we are still going through it.

I would happily trade places with the younger me who walked in Easter procession in 1967. The current me is so deep in emotional loss that it almost takes my breath away, as it is that intense.

“You can’t go home again.”……if only I could.

The heartburn years..

OK, so with all of my coffee drinking, I have come to appreciate the value of a good mint. Why take the “little purple pill” if a mint will do?

Mints and I go way back.

My earliest memory regarding mints in the Shore have me and my Mom going to Douglass  candies on the Wildwood boardwalk getting a mint plat for my Babci. A mint plat would have been the equivalent of mint made into a thick braid.Then there were the years I discovered buttermints made by James’ candy and I swore by them. Yup, those were the days when you bought one pound of mints and that is what you got. If you look at the picture, you’ll see a $7.95 price sticker for 12 ounces of white mints made by Fralinger. That’s right: 12 ounces, $7.95. No biggie, as I know it’s 2012. What I AM bitching about is the fact that there were not one, not two but THREE mints wrapped up that looked like someone bit into on the line and then threw them back on the assembly line to get wrapped.

Seriously?

Don’t you give your workers a lunch break? They have to bite into my mints? Eww….

This is enough…am seriously thinking about sticking to spearmint gum.*sigh**

Just one of those days..

…which wasn’t helped by my brother Bob and I going up to Mom’s after work yesterday to start going through some stuff. Past of you just wishes you could blink an eye and it would all be taken care of. Part of you feels like going in and yelling ” Mom, I’m home.” Part of you, after four years, looks for her laying or sitting up in the hospital bed and giving you a little smile or acknowledgement that she knows you are there. And them there’s the part that realizes she is physically gone but she will always be with you.

I don’t know what was more painful: watching her go through that terrible decline over four long years, or the pain that is coming now, that the memories have to surface when you go through belongings.It will be hard on Bob, I know. But as I spent all but the last nine years with Mom on a pretty much daily basis, I’ll be remembering what was worn for senior citizens, what was worn for church, what was worn to hang up clothes on the line…and so on. It’s kind of like you put a band-aid on when you bury a loved one, but then, to handle everything left behind, you have to rip the band-aid off to let the wound heal,

It just sucks. I hope to get down to Undisclosed with Jim and the girls this weekend, and catch a sunset as pictured above, and hopefully, the sting of going through Mom’s belongings won’t be so painful.

 

Feeling a little blue

 

….and I came upon this sign.

 

This church is down at the “Undisclosed Location” and we pass it on a daily basis.

I have been weathering a lot recently, Mom, and then Jim and his shingles,and just couldn’t seem to shake the malaise I felt.

I saw this sign and thought to myself that truer words were never spoken.

This Thursday, the first of March, will be 19 years since I have been clean from my first cancer. Yup. NINETEEN. Through radiation, chemo, radiation implants…..NINETEEN.

 

Malaise, whatever….I am grateful to have two feet ON the ground.

 

Greetings from an Undisclosed Location…

..Where, for the first time since Mom has left us, we’ll be down here for a three-day weekend.

It’s an odd feeling, knowing that we don’t have to rush back for the city on Sunday night, in anticipation of Monday. Don’t worry: there is plenty of sleep to catch up on, walking for the girls, wash to do, yarn to knit, and my walk with my neighbors to the ferry in back. There is actually anticipation of a snowfall on Sunday, which took me by surprise, as I saw the weather saying we were only due rain here at ” Undisclosed.” It just makes things interesting.

Here’s hoping you are lucky enough to have a three-day weekend and no matter what, you enjoy each day to the fullest.

February slump

I always loved winter:it was due, no doubt to my December birthday.

My buddy,Juls, from mid-state, is coming up on the anniversary of her Mom’s death. My Mom’s passing is fresh in my head. My buddy from the office just buried his Mom. All winter events…you can’t help when things happen and people pass.

There has been no big snow, things are hanging in, and unfortunately, I am finding myself in the midst of February blues. Jim having the shingles, no doubt, has not been a highlight here.

I had picked up three pots of old bulbs from my Mom’s front yard and the hyacinths are forcing their heads up, along with my tulips.

Come on spring!

 

Genevieve, meet Veronica

Three weeks ago, Jim and I were down at the ” Undisclosed Location”, and traveled to Our Lady Star of the Sea Church for Sunday morning Mass, as  we are known to do. It is a beautiful church from the 1800’s with a gorgeous marble altar.

A good friend of ours usually is in the pew before us with his Mom, and we sit with them.

After Mass, his Mom turned to me and hugged me and gave me condolences regarding my Mom, and I had said that I am short a Mom: she said she would be happy to fill in. We laughed, kissed and said good-bye.

My second mother was found unresponsive by her son last weekend, and rushed to an area hospital. The prognosis was not good, and I was feeling so bad for my buddy, for as the old saying goes, I had been there and done that.

As I got off the train this morning to come into work, I got a call on the cell. For a moment, I thought it was a caregiver checking in for my Mom and then realized those days were gone.

It was my friend, who told me of my “second” Mother’s passing early this morning.

 

I was fortunate, in that I got to know “Mother Genevieve:” over this past summer in particular, as she had been ill and needed communion and I am a Eucharistic minister for my church., so I was able to bring her or send her son a host to bring to her. She had lost her dog a year ago, and Jim and I would bring the girls over and she always got her dog fix when they came with us for a visit. She had come over to the “Undisclosed Location” with her son, and I am glad she made it over to see it. We saw her over at 5 guys, coming in to order a burger. We laughed, as I poked my belly and said something to the effect that you don’t want to end up like me. She laughed and said that they were so good, it was worth it

My “two” Moms are now together in heaven…boy am I in trouble now…lol..no, strike that: I know that I have two good women up there on my side. I’ll be sleeping well tonite.

 

Heaven opening up

It would stand to figure it’s raining this morning.

Old school says if it’s raining for a funeral, it’s God opening up heaven to let the body in .

Well,I believe Mom is in heaven already. However, the gravesite is on the side of a hill. It’s rainy…I have a black dress on. Get the probable equation…

“Man plans, God laughs.”. 😀

Mom

Services for my Mom, who passed away the 19th of January, will be held Friday the 27th of January.

If you could please just say a prayer or hold a good thought at 10 in the morning then, I thank you. Not so much for her, though, because I am sure I know EXACTLY where she is at, and that’s in heaven. Say one for me. Yes, I know it is selfish, but please, one for me.

The “stuff” which I know was going to begin, has started.

It is incredible as to how people who have had nothing or very, very little to do with Mom over the past four years are now “grieving “.Well, folks, news flash-you can have all the tears, crocodile or whatever,that you want. Bob and I have cried rivers over the past four years and we KNOW WE did well and she is at peace.

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let perpetual life shine upon her. May she and all the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace, Amen.

Afraid to sleep

It’s quiet.

I am at Mom’s and with the exception of her snoring, it is quiet with waiting.

I talk myself into delusions of being burnt out,and being ready.Mentally I am but the tears in my eyes as I type this let me know my heart is breaking, as it has been for almost four years now. I have joined the generations of caregivers who have held hands, stroke brows,prayed, sang,and so on. In the long run, though, all you can do is let your faith guide you and pray as you wait.

I am without words for my brother Bob,who gave himself selflessly for Mom and also for my Jim. Not all men would be there through all of this.

Mom and I?
We are truly blessed.

The Boss

That’s my Mom giving you the eye, er, rather, that is her normal trying to wake up pose post stroke.

We are asking for prayers this morning.

That’s all…just prayers.

 

Thanks.

Laying low..

…before a night at Mom’s. There comes a point where you just work the candle at both ends, but today I literally crashed and burned, so that 45 minute nap was a God send.The last few times at Mom’s, she was restless and I had minimal sleep.This was, now I have taken a little edge off my tiredness, so I am ready to get up there and sit with Mom on this important night…

Why, you ask?

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am so mindful of being with the woman who brought me into the world.Since her illness, I realize the time we have together is limited, as she was 37 when she had me and tomorrow I will be 52.I always remember that she told me how happy her mom was when she had me, because she had said that a daughter will take care of her for the rest of her life. It’s funny, because as I type this, I can hear my Mom tell me that.

It’s a good memory.

Bittersweet moments…

It’s quiet.

I have just spent 25 minutes singing Polish Christmas carols& hymns to the Blessed Mother, but now Mom has settled down.

As her condition has been deteriorating ,I have had her in hospice care at home. I listen to the phlegm rattle in her throat as I sing.This is new to me.. No, not Mom making a vocal comment to my singing, but watching and waiting. I sit and wonder what will be.Will she be granted a gift to see her 89th birthday this Sunday?Will she see Christmas?New Years? I sat with her wondering if the woman who brought me into the world will be here for my birthday-Not that she would know the day, but will she be here? My chest is tight as I think of that. I’d like to think almost four years of caregiving has toughened me up,but obviously not.The book has been almost 52 years in the making,and all I can do is wait.

This is not quite as hard as having to tell my folks I had cancer, but it is a close second.

All I can do is pray.Any you can say for us would be deeply appreciated.

Thanks, my friends.

No pretense here.

The picture you see is a neighbor’s house at the Undisclosed location. It is only part of his light display he puts up yearly, and the picture, I will be the first to admit, does it no justice. But it is probably the biggest piece of Christmas you will get from me.

My Mom’s mental state is down to a 4- when she first got sick she was iand 8 and THAT was severe. The best you can have is 30. I got off the phone with my brother, and we were talking about Christmas. I really don’t care, knowing the chance of actually getting a caregiver who will work is slim and none.Some things are expected, at this point of the game. Mom’s birthday will be Sunday, and 89 will be the magic number. Will she know it’s her birthday? No. Will she recognize me? No. I went to get her a birthday card and looked at the verse: would she understand it? No. So I got her a bunch( 9 pair) of fuzzy socks, as that is what keeps her feet the warmest while she lays in bed. She’ll think it’s just socks-no clue it’s a gift and that’s fine.

My godson Greg has a birthday the nest day and mine is three days after that. Once again, there is no spirit. I am just plain washed out. I will celebrate Greg’s birthday with him on Monday, but mine will just be another day, spent waiting, and praying.

So in lieu of a Christmas greeting, here is the picture of the Undisclosed Location neighbor’s lights.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Pins

 

I have my Mom’s Christmas pins.

It was a big thing for us, because Mom’s birthday is December 18 and I follow her by 4 days. When I was a kid, the obvious was always to get her a Christmas pin. When people would give one to me, however, I would thank them, as I was younger, and promptly put it away in a jewelry box. Mom and I would always kid about who had the most Christmas pins.

Last night I was going through Mom’s and found this pin you see in the picture. It’s got to be 45 years old: the enamel is wearing off and it isn’t quite as new looking as the rest.This pin originally was my Mom’s, but I remember that I had no poinsettia pin, so she let me have this one, and I wore it to death through my early grammar school years. I eventually got tired of wearing it, somewhere around fifth grade and it went back to Mom. I guess she figured I’d like it again someday and what do you know-I found it in a box waiting for me to reclaim it.

Thanks, Mom.

I can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time…

I can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time…and juggling life issues is something I really can hope to stop doing someday.

Looking at people 5 times my size on the bus this morning and wondering what can I do to move far away from my current size, outside of sewing my mouth shut… I am writing down and counting calories, but looking at fellow passengers on a bus at 5:40 am, well, makes you question metabolism, sleep and a “hurry up and eat or you’ll be late” mechanism.

Just got off the phone with my brother Bob talking about Mom and family issues.

**sigh**

Trying to keep my life at home going at an even keel.

Trying to recover from Saturday’s fall.

“The job”.**sigh**

Zush and Kasia on Benadryl.

I guess you just keeping juggling until you drop something, right?Guess I just have to go out and get some fresh velcro for my hands to keep things going.

Here’s hoping things are going better for us all.

Greatly needed Friday..

..because the last two weeks were too long, today is a day I am looking forward to.

It’s always been amazing to me to see the amount of things we cram into a weekend. Hell, sometimes I think I do more mandatory activities on a weekend then I do during the week. There’s stuff with mom, obviously, then food shopping, wash, dog walking, cooking, …you get the point.

This weekend, I intend to do NOTHING…outside of the basics, naturally. Any down time I get I will be in a reclined position. Anything taxing on my mind will be swept out, albeit temporarily.As they always say, take time to stop and smell the flowers…well, this weekend? I’ll be taking tons of bouquets in.

Here’s hoping you get a chance to do the same.

A new month to get through

It’s November and edging closer to the winter, and I barely made it out of October.

We had issues with Mom’s electric and gas heater last month which got straightened out, and all is good, as she is hanging in there. The issue, as the holiday gets closer, is who watches Mom for holidays. My brother has two sons. I have my husband and in-laws.As many times as we would have tried, it was always difficult oto work a holiday with Mom.My brother tried bringing his family up to Mom’s one year, but she really wasn’t cognizant of anything, so that was the end of that. You acknowledge that things will no longer be how they used to be,and it does make you sad, but basically,it just becomes an issue of sitting there taking care of Mom when it’s a holiday.For the past three years, people are wishing you Merry Christmas and you are anything but merry.

As a caregiver, it’s awfully hard to be upbeat on a daily basis. So be forewarned. I’ll have a rough couple of months until after New Years.

Bear with me,ok?

Wednesday is cancelled for lack of interest..

..boy do I wish!

Didn’t watch the weather last night**mental note to self-watching the weather may NOT be hazardous to your health** so had to pinch a rain coat/jacket from my Mom’s closet to make sure I got into the office relatively undrenched..lol. There is something bittersweet about having to raid my mother’s closet for a jacket that I know she will no longer have to wear. Plus, add the fact that I am 5’6″ and my mother is a whopping 5 foot, and yet amazingly, the arms fit me. Figure that one out. So I trenched off to start the day in not the most light-hearted of moods.

Then, to come into this government agency where I call home for 8 hours a day where it is dreary as all get out, most of us just are thisclose to going completely off the track and payday is the only saving grace…no, wait, ..I had a hot K cup of coconut coffee to push my mind’s button to ON.

Well….Thursday is around the corner….

Stressing out of the wazoo

Leaving work yesterday, I was walking up a handicapped curb at 11th and Market Streets and went ,twisting my right ankle, and FALLING on the right side of my knee, not the actual knee front on, as it were.Gee, you would wonder where my mind is at, huh?

Could have been due to the fact that I have to talk to my Mom’s case worker with the state, after dealing with her PCA caseworker.Then, all of the other Mom related paperwork is up front and center this week. I am there tonite for my turn, and she officially has joined me in the hacking cha-cha, but she is on medication for it.

People wonder why I am so enamored on the ” Undisclosed location”.

At any rate-it’s either that or Ativan.

Prayers needed this week and greatly appreciated.